Once there was a young boy by the name of Clay. Now Clay was an awkward bull of a boy. He often found himself bored and in want of an adventure.
One day, as Clay was playing with his toys in the backyard, a looming figure approached him. The figure introduced himself as Grenglackenflack. Gren for short.
“Hark to me, boy, and listen to my tale!” he rasped. “I come from the land of Flonth, a country torn asunder by an evil force greater than any before.”
Clay sat before the figure, mouth agape, as he realized he had forgotten his shoes. A good adventurer never leaves home without proper footwear.
He scurried inside to retrieve his adventuring loafers, hurriedly sliding them onto his feet as he grabbed a can of his favorite surströmming to eat on the road.
“Tarry not, young hero,” shouted Gren, as he mounted his faithful steed, Lorydorydu. “We must depart at once for the Spiral Tower. Onward!”
Hark to the tale of Clay! (The story’s just begun!)
Our hero who will save the day! (He’s the chosen one!)
All the evil forces are thrown off course as he rides on to bring the light!
He’ll battle to his final breath! (He doesn’t feel fear!)
He chuckles at the face of death! (The conflict draws near!)
He won’t be late to change the fate of Flonth in the final fight!
Faster than you can say “subinterflanderdoppenschmingleheimerflax,” they reached Flonth, as Lorydorydu was wicked quick.
When they arrived, Gren recounted the tale of Doomenhagengragen, the evil warlock who hailed from the frozen terrain of Grothgingland.
“He’s kind of a jerk,” spoke the wise Grenglackenflack. “Do be a dear and defeat him atop the Spiral Tower for me.”
Clay steeled himself and prepared to make the harrowing journey to the top of the menacing Spiral Tower. He peed a little.
Having calmed down, Clay began his ascent to the lair of his villainous adversary. Upon stepping foot into the perilous fortress, a voice sounded in his thoughts. It spoke thus:
“It is I, Doomenhagengragen! Prepare to face the seven trials of the Janjenjugenfoloreangong! You shan’t succeed!”
Having bested the trials that shall not be named twice, Clay barged into the empty chamber of Doomenhagengragen, and he took a minute to catch his breath.
Tired and hungry, Clay reached into his pocket and pulled out his beloved surströmming, ripping open the can to rejuvenate his spirit with its contents.
“OH CHEESE AND CRACKERS, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!” croaked Doomenhagengragen, from his hiding spot at the opposite end of the room. “GET IT AWAY!”
Clay, noticing his enemy’s repulsion to the tantalizing aroma, was at first hurt, but soon realized the tactical advantage given to him by his tasty treat.
Clay walked forward, pushing the warlock further and further back until he had nowhere else to go. Clay extended the fish to his opponent’s face, who passed out and fell from the tower.
"That was easy,” Clay mused as he jaunted down the tower to Gren, enjoying his fermented herring along the way.
Hark to the tale of Clay! (The grisly quest is done!)
Our hero who has saved the day! (He’s the chosen one!)
Doomenhagengragen’s fatal flaw was his very sensitive taste!
He vanquished evil overnight! (He saved the magic land!)
He hardly even had to fight! (He barely used his hands!)
The legend has been told since the days of old and it transcends time and space!
This has been another look into the unpredictable adventures of Clay. Tune in next week for the next exciting installment of Clay’s Periodic Fable!
Silicon Soldiers is an alternative/indie rock band with hints of math rock from Asheville, NC. All of the members currently
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